Sixth Year Tears
One day in my sixth year of graduate school, I walked into lab and I immediately started crying. I was incapable of doing my work that day. I didn’t know what to do.
The week before, the flu kept me at home binging Netflix. After I recovered from the flu, I was broken in a way I had never experienced before. Every morning, I woke up in a panic and with a pain in my chest. I had no appetite. I had loose stool (due to increased acidity in my digestive tract?). The thought of doing lab work made me cry.
Up until that point, I was happy with my graduate career. I had done well in classes, and I believed I was well-respected by colleagues. I had funding, and my advisor let me pursue a project I was passionate about. I was confident that I could surmount the challenges of my project. Now, I felt completely incapable, and I feared doom for my future. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get a job. My confidence was gone. When I tried to do labwork, my thoughts consumed my attention.
Sometimes, having a good conversation with a labmate magically returned me to a functional state. Other times, sitting at lunch with labmates would exacerbate my anxiety and I would need to leave the room. I started comparing my life to the lives of everyone around me and I would only see my deficiencies. I felt so small. I thought about dropping out.
I started therapy at my school’s mental health office. I talked to my advisor, who was extremely understanding and told me I could take time to get better. I found an off-campus therapist. I opened up to labmates and leaned on them. A few months later, I started taking antidepressants (a serotonin selective reuptake inhibitor, or SSRI, called Zoloft or Sertraline).
I am fortunate that I do not have chronic depression or anxiety. I am fortunate my advisor was supportive and gave me space. I am fortunate that I was able to rely on old friends.
I think the root cause of my depression and anxiety was social isolation. I was accustomed to saying no to social opportunities. I’m learning to be more open-minded and I’m doing much better. I regained my confidence. For me, community has been essential.
Life can get better. There is support out there, but I had to seek it. In general, the help didn’t just find me. People wanted to help me, but I had to start the process.